The Saturday Night Sit Down Blues Comedy Club
Announcer: Ladies and Gentle men..........Slick Trenier .........Yayyyyyyyyyy!
Slick raises his hands to the applause, he is chuckling as though he has just heard a good joke.
"Good Evening Good Evening Good Evening............How is Every One Tonight ?"
Loud voices from the audience: Good, Great, Fine, Groovin, Alright!
Slick appears to be out of breath, and is wiping beads of sweat from his forehead with a white handkerchief.
"That's Great. I'm glad to be here tonight. I was kinda late getting here though , whew! I was hurrying my butt off. I took the freeway even though I don't live that far, boy, my arms are tired! On the freeway I saw a sign that said, 'Free Shakespeare Festival', And I thought, 'Damn, now he's in jail!'
"I almost got a ticket the other day, I was rolling down the street, minding my own bidness, started to cross the street, and all of a sudden a cop stops me with siren and lights a flashing. Asked me What did I think I was doing ? I told him I was crossing the street. He said But it was Flashing DONT WALK!. I said..... Well I WASN'T !!!!........"
"I really can't stay here too long tonight because I parked in a "regular" parking space and I don't want to get a ticket......
"Any Pet Owners out there ?? I have a dog. When it comes to feeding time My dog is not special. Neither is yours!! It doesn't know the difference between Chuck wagon or Chuck Connors. ........So we don't need dog food shaped like little steaks... Do you remember Gaines Burgers?? They were lil burger shaped packages that you had to break open, it was like giving your dog communion....
"And they still have Milk Bone Bog Biscuits. They say it cleans your dogs teeth, Do You know the human food equivalent to Milk Bones?
A woman's laughter interrupts Slick, a couple up in front are talking with lots of animation, the wife yells to Slick, "I always wondered why my husband had such clean white teeth even though he never brushed them! .... he eats a couple of Milk Bones everyday!"
Loud laughter from the audience while the husband pours his drink down his wife's dress.
"So much for dog biscuits.... How many people here are old enough to remember when "fast food places" first came out? Remember the commercials? They said that the food was gonna be made so fast that you could order it at the front of the fire truck, and it would be so fast that you could pick it up at the end of the fire truck. Remember that? well what happened? It's not fast food anymore. Cause now if your kid orders off the children's menu, by the time you get it they get the senior citizen discount..............
"I wanna ask the guys in the audience a question. Guys (YEAH!) did you ever meet a girl that you REALLY like, and you let her know that you REALLY like her ?? But then she tells you that she likes you too, but she's not really dating anyone right now...and you know that that anyone is you ??
"I just got a new van. And I guess like all new vehicles, you get the mirrors that have written on them. "Things in the mirror are closer than they appear ". Well I hate that because I keep hitting stuff before it gets there..................
"I want to go see that new comedy. What's the name of it ? ..............Well I saw the ad on TV and the guy said it have me rolling in the aisles...so I really want to see that one.....
"You heard the announcer say that my name was Slick. During my travels I meet a lot of people, and a few of them have said, "Slick, Why does a nice guy like you have a name like Slick. Like it's sleazy or something.
"Well I'll tell you right now Slick is a name I've had my entire life. It's a family nickname. But I always tell them that if you don't want to call me Slick. You can call me by my other name. I'm one fifth Creek Indian from Muskogee, Oklahoma, and have an Indian name. So if you don't want to call me Slick, you can call me ...Dances With Wheels........
"Anybody like country music? I do. Anybody go country dancing ? It seems that everybody is doing that country line dancing. So I wanted to try it. I went to a club, and they were teaching the tush push. You heard of that ? Well hell, I already knew how to do that because I been pushing my ass around for years.......
"Well they're still fighting over drugs everywhere. I think it's terrible. People getting killed over that stuff. And now they got that new crack. Have you heard about it ? They got the regular crack, well now they have crack classic and diet crack.....It gets you a third less higher than the regular stuff..............
Laughter, whistles and more laughter from audience.
"I'm glad to see that a lot of people are getting straight nowadays. Stay away from alcohol and drugs. I think it's great. But I also think that some of these people go a little bit too far in their crusades for soberness. I mean most of us probably know someone that has just quit smoking, or drinking, or doing drugs, that is literally a pain in the butt. You can't take them anywhere, "I don't want to go there, those guys that do drugs will be there. I'll be tempted. There's a buffet, I'm trying to lose weight......" I mean I'm glad people have the will power to say no. I mean I'm glad I don't have to drive through Jack in the Box anymore just for a straw......
"Before I go, I'd like to say that we all have a lot to be thankful for in our lives. I know I do. And we probably don't say thank you often enough to the ones that deserve it. So right now, please everybody here, join with me to say thank you to someone who really deserves it. Just look up, and say Thank You God. Now one of the reasons I said to do that is because, think about this, of all the ways God could've picked for us to reproduce...... Look what he picked. You gotta say thank you God. Cause this is God you're talking about. He could've picked any way in the universe for us to make babies. He didn't have to make it feel good. How many people ever did it just cause it felt good?
"You gotta say Thank you God. Because of all the choices God had, he coulda said, "Let's see, In order for humans to reproduce.......let's see....I got it.. They must lay back to back for three days with a live 12lb large mouth bass between their legs, and at the end of three days one of them will become pregnant."
"He didn't do that so you gotta say Thank you God, And I gotta say Thank you ladies and gentleman.....
"Enthusiastic applause, gradually fading to soft laughter and chuckles as the audience recalls one of Slicks jokes. The one about God and sexual reproduction amongst humans.
Slick wheels off stage while audience applauds...............
Announcer: Thank you all for coming! Slick will be back next Saturday Night we hope, with a new routine. Please join us. You can e-mail Slick at email@example.com
Slick has a Web Site too! Harold Trenier -aka Slick A C6-7 Quad for 22 years. Without going into a long story it would be easier for you to just visit his site read his story, see what Slick has been up to. Once there just click on SLICKS PLACE on the left side of the screen, and the journey will start. -Music, acting , comedy, cooking -- Slick does it all.......
Presents the second act
The Saturday Night Sit Down Blues Comedy Club
Announcer rolls onto the stage, Greetings and welcome to the second show with Chris Sheridan. But first, I have to tell you what happened on the way over here tonight.
A couple of young boys were admiring my hi-tech wheelchair while I was getting buzzed at Starbucks."
"Cool chair!" One says to me, "How much did it cost?"
Well, I hesitate when someone asks this question because my answer is usually an obscene tirade, but I told them; "over two thousand dollars, and it was a demo."
"Wow!" They both replied, their mouths open wide, then one asked; "Did you get a handicapped discount?"
(Uproarious laughter from the audience)
Announcer: "Now, here is Mister Sit Down himself, Chris Sheridan!"
"Greetings and good evening! Welcome back to the Comedy Club! Tonight is parody night. If we want equal access, we must accept equal treatment? But hey, what do you think of the new handicapped signs?"
"We love them Chris!" Shouts an aging hippy in a wheelchair.
Here are some Wheelchair parodies I'd like to see: How about a Barking dog chasing a wheelchair user? Wheelchair drag race? Evel Kenevil in a wheelchair jumping over cars, busses, Snake River Canyon, and playing golf in Las Vegas.
Drive-thru lanes for wheelchairs only?
Wheelchair police (ala bicycle cops)...
"Kick Me" sign on back of chair or Dragging a streamer of toilet paper coming out of a restroom...
(A chorus of booooo's is heard...)
Not being able to get into Hell because the underworld is inaccessible...
(Laughter from the audience, right on Chris!!!!)
Doing the 'Limbo' in a chair or Elvis in an Wheelchair???????
Okay okay okay...Hold on a minute folks, My walkman doesn't work...
I'm gonna go grab my guitar, be right back.....
*************************** Short break**************************
Chris wheels across the stage with his guitar strapped on to the audiences applause.
Chris: "Here is a tune that I wrote a few months ago, called, SYMPATHY FOR MICK." (as sung to the tune, "Sympathy for the Devil")
Chris does some tuning to his guitar, and then begins to play.
Please allow me to introduce myself...I'm a man of wealth and taste.
I have a friend; his name is Keith...He plays guitar; he's a waste.
I got a chick named Jerri Hall...She's a model; she's real tall.
Now she wants half my money...50 million; maybe more
Pleased to meet you...Wont you guess my name
But whats puzzling you...Is the nature of my game
So if you meet me have some courtesy...Have some sympathy; have some taste.
She moved back home to Texas...Took the kids, and all she could take.
But thats OK about the money...I'll go on out and make some more.
Call up Keith and Ronnie too...Well get a bus; and go on tour.
Pleased to meet you...Wont you guess my name
But whats confusing you...Is the nature of my game..................................................Fades out to applause
Chris: Thank you Thank you Thank you...
So, yes, I'm a musician. The great thing about being a musician is you don't have to be very smart...you only have to know how to count to 4: "One, two, a one two three four!" -- and that's all the math you need.
This is, of course, what separates the band from the road crew. Oh yeah, see, the roadies only have to know how to count to 2: "Check, one two, check, check one, two, two, check one two..." That's how we determine who gets the guitar and who gets the roll of duct tape.
I'm thinking about calling my new band "Spinal Snap." OK, that joke never goes over. In fact I was in New York a couple years ago taping a special for USA Network, and there was an audience brought in. They were mostly actors who were PAID to look good and laugh at the comedians' jokes - but they booed and hissed at me when I told that one!
So, I'm not sure if I told you or not, but I broke my back in a plane crash - true story. When I tell people that, they say, "You're kidding." No, look, if I were kidding I'd say I broke my back doing The Limbo -- I won, of course! But seriously, I did break my back in a plane crash. Now a lot of famous musicians die in plane crashes, like, Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, The Big Bopper, Glen Miller, Patsy Cline, Otis Redding, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Jim Croce, Stevie Ray Vaughn and John Denver. Well, I survived my plane crash, sure did...guess I wasn't famous enough!
Bye for now...gotta roll!
Announcer applauding: "How about that? Chris is going to come back in a moment to do a repeat of last weeks show in case you missed it! Here he is, Mr. Sit Down!"
Chris: It's difficult to do stand-up in a wheelchair with a only a skinny mic stand between you and the audience, and a brick wall right behind you. But it sure is a lot of fun. Many people think that performing comedy is like being in therapy, as comics often reveal a lot about themselves, their imperfections and their family's problems.
OK, look, I don't really do stand-up...I'm more of a sit-down comedian. And a blues guitar player. As the man once said, "Damn right I got the blues."
But being in a wheelchair isn't all that bad - I get great parking spots. It's a cultural advantage these days, especially living here in Los Angeles. But the things that really bother me are the words and phrases we use that dont make much sense for me anymore...like:
My girlfriend was over last night and when she was getting ready to leave, I told her I'd walk her to her car...and she said, "I'd like to see that!"
I went to cross the street and the sign said, "DON'T WALK." So I didn't...I kept right on going...
I couldn't go to the concert...it was standing room only...
These boots weren't made for walking...
Try not walking a mile in my shoes... I can talk the talk, but I can't...well, you know...
And I can't dance either. Now, you may have seen people in wheelchairs out on the dance floor spinning around, but not me, I cannot dance...I have 2 left wheels...
You know, I miss being able to walk, but people don't really walk much anymore anyway...we sit. Walking is just a necessary evil to get from one chair to the next. We sit in our cars and drive to work so we can sit in an office for 8 hours, then after all that sitting, we come back to our homes so we can...sit on the couch and watch TV.
Most of our modern conveniences are designed to prevent us from walking any more than we absolutely have to. We have the remote control so we dont have to get up and change the channel. We dont even have to go into the kitchen to fix something to eat - we can call and have food delivered to our front door. On a cordless phone, of course.
We have valet parking, which eliminates that treacherous hike from the parking lot to the front door, thereby reducing the amount of walking necessary to get into the restaurant. Or we can just hit the drive-thru on the way home. Then we dont even have to get out of the car. But why wait till we get home? Well just eat in the car.
And theres other drive thrus as well: Drive thru banking, drive through car washes, even drive through liquor stores. Who came up with that idea? Kind of confuses that whole drinking and driving thing.
And, why bother walking through the back nine when we can rent a golf cart. Then we drive to the gym to work out, on the treadmill, or just take the elevator upstairs so we can...use the Stairmaster.
I guess it is true...nobody walks in L.A.!
You know, breaking my back has been sort of like getting a flat tire. I had to pull over along the road of life and fix it. Deal with it as best as I can, then get up and keep on going. Some people say that life is to short, but to me, life is just too long to be miserable in.
Thank you and good night...see you next time!
Chris wheels off stage while audience applauds...............
Announcer: Thank you all for coming! Please join us again. You can e-mail Chris at You Know.
|The Sitdown Comedy Club Doorman has greeted
guests since Opening Night on Saturday March 13th 1999
Stage curtains courtesy of Maui Cheetah. Set design by Future-Link Productions. Handicapped Rock Logo from Chris.